When I Go Crazy / Do you ever?

The week began with my thoughts churning and with the alone feelings jumping at me like popcorn dancing from a bowl. I tried to reel in my words, but they escaped from me like leftover kernels which wanted to pop.

My lack of self-control left me bewildered and angry at myself. And left my friend bewildered, too.

I said more than I should have, and explained all my moves with examples to prove my point. They made sense to me, but left my friend shaking her head.

I had charged at her with accusations, with unwarranted assessments, and tossed them at her faster than she could respond. Pieces were true, but not the whole truth.

The saddest part of our argument is she had nothing to say, as I made false allegations and wrapped her motives up, adding them to my ready-made list of how she forced me to address our differences.

I have no idea to the why or how my brain worked the way it did that day, nor how my mouth engaged beyond my ability to stop myself. I wanted to hit pause, but my edgy and anxious thoughts pounded at me like popcorn kernels (I tend to want to be right) and my words popped from the microwave of my ugliness, and I couldn’t contain them.

After it was over, after I had my say, all the while telling her the what-for, and the what-if, and the how, I’m “done” with this friendship; I felt my heart burst like a sink hole had me trapped.

Any joy and peace I once had inside me, well it evaporated and landed me, along with my emotions into a murky pit of despair. Trying to understand how my anger grew to the heightened level, of which I beat myself up for, came with my realizing of how petty and picky and principled I can be. To the point of being annoying.

I speak too much, think aloud, and come without filters. I need to swallow my words, digest them, and determine if they’re necessary. I need to breathe more, and pause. I may even need tape to shut my mouth.

I hated how I sounded when the words replayed in my mind. I hated who I’d become when I drove home my points. I hated the person behind the words. I hated my wretched self.

I needed more than punishment, I needed my mouth washed out with soap, and my heart cleansed. I needed to come before my friend, and beg her forgiveness. I needed her more than she knew, more than I deserved.

And yet, I expected more from her than I’m willing to give. Thus, I choked on my realization and suddenly, without taking another breath,I knew what triggered my outburst.

It was not pretty, not real, and was based on a superficial expectation and on the fact that in my past, others had bailed on me, hurt me, and left me.

So I sabotaged this friendship by running or trying to run off this person before she hurt me.

Fortunately, I wasn’t successful and my friend lunged at me with a text a mile long, later that night. Of course, this was after I calmed down, and after I so regretted my hour-long speech earlier in the day.

I wanted to crawl into a hole, hide, and go back in time. I wanted to pray for amnesia to hit my friend, that she’d forget my attack and accusations. I wanted more than anything to have a kinder heart and a less aggressive approach to addressing things in life.

I wanted to somehow let my friend know my love for her, my care for her, and my being blessed by her. I longed to rewind my sentences until they wrapped themselves back inside my head, back to the point, the place prior to my feelings getting hurt over something, a pointless wound created by my selfishness and loneliness.

A few days before, I saw her smiling and happy and in a room filled with friends, many who are lifelong friends who adore her. Whom she adores.

Then, inside my head, as I processed my feelings, I felt like I was in an oversized room with bare walls and no windows, alone and without friends. I was surrounded by a dozen empty chairs and I had plenty of popcorn in this one giant bowl. And no one was with me.

Now all of this was caused by a derailed perception on my part, and it was like I couldn’t get out of the room because it was trapped inside my head.

Thus my overreaction to things happened once again, and was created by another misconstrued thought pattern running through my brain. And I had damaged yet another human being.

Only one question remained, will she forgive me? Well, two more questions. Will I have a friend who sticks closer than a brother when the sun sets and the sun rises on a brand new day? Will she shake her head and love me anyway, especially after the way I’ve treated her?

Goodness, I pray the answer is yes!

I must remember this:

“Love one another with brotherly affection.

Outdo one another in showing honor.” ~~ Romans 12:10

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